Live.Love.Laugh

Do you ever feel that you're not good enough?That everybody has something better to offer?I know I do. Lately I've been studying different people on the streeet.Strangers, especially girls.And sometimes I think:'God,how can I say that I'm pretty when that girl looks like that?'My beauty fades in comparison with hers.Then jealousy strikes in and I try to convince myself that she is ugly on the inside.But that's only bitter consolation.Afterwards I feel so miserable that I could stay locked up in my room for days.In my good days, that doesn't affect me so much.I tell myself that everybody has a beautiful side and just keep walking.
In one way seeing 'her' gives me ambition to try and be better,to take more care of myself,have a haircut,maybe loose a couple of kg...And that's a good thing, cuz afterwards I'll feel much better with myself.
But looks aren't the only thing that I want to improve.
Lately I've been having an urge to learn more things that will help me in life, like photography,graphics and maybe guitar.I'm the artistic type and I want to become an architect.I want to live my life to the limit,to visit lots of countries,open up an art gallery, make my own photography/architecture studio. I want to do so many things that it seems that my life is too short!
I want to visit California with my best friends, A, C, and P.
I want to go to college with them
I want to stay in the same dorm with them
I want to have them in my life forever. But sometimes I keep thinking if that's possible. Allready P has begun drifting away from us and started having new friends. I sometimes cry my eyes out just thinking that after years he will not even say hello to me. And that hurts much more than being dumped. Cuz we are like brother and sister now...
I can only hope that we'll be back on track and that A, P and C will remain my best friends forever...

Yesterday I was talking with my best friend,A.We use to talk about things that matter the most to us.We started talking about superficiality and how more and more people are interested in what's on the outside than what's on the inside.
I mean...don't you ever feel trapped in a society in which money is our first priority?It doesn't matter anymore how you feel or how good you are on the inside.All that matters is the way you are dressed and the way you make yourself notticed wearing dozens of 'cool' accesories... Do you really think that if you walk on the street wearing not so neat chlotes,and no accesories, boys will at least take a glance at you? NO, of course not. [maybe just to laugh afterwards] Can't you see? We are all living in a conspiracy.The game of money.If you want to get notticed you have to pay millions on chlotes,skincare,saloons, and much more. And even then you are not 100% sure that guys will look at you and say 'wow'.
Everyone is trying to be cool and follow the trends. Lately I've been trying to develop my own style, but people look at you like a twit, or, they copy you!!!And I HATE that! It's despicable! I sometimes feel like a snob, cuz I try to look good so that people will notice and like me.And I wonder...What's more important? the outside or the inside? And the worse thing is that I can't change...I want people to like me.And I hate myself for letting me be ruled by trends.Everyone is judging people about how they look.Shouldn't we get to know the person and only then judge them?[if there is sth to judge, cuz most of the time there isn't]
Oh...Is it all worth it?...